I feel the need to write words. To try to convey how I’m
thinking just now. Last year I lost my Grandmother. Grannie was my whole world,
my constant link to my amazing childhood and the incredible adventures we had
around the world. I knew she was ill, I knew she wouldn’t be around for much
longer. But it hurt like mad. The funeral. Writing memories for the funeral.
Carrying the coffin etc. And 9 months later it still hurts. The ‘memories’ on
Facebook that pop up that make you smile, remember and then the sadness that
she’s no longer around.
I knew she was going to die. She was 89 and had incurable
cancer. She was at peace with it all, ready to leave us all behind and be
reunited with my wonderful Grandad. We’re left behind wishing for 1 more day, 1
brief conversation about everything and nothing. And this leads me to where my
head is now. I’ve only recently begun to understand what ‘depression’ feels
like. For me it’s been anxiety attacks. Crippling fear of surroundings, places
I’ve been to before, but suddenly a complete inability to cope with something I’ve
done many many times. The Parabolica at last year’s Italian GP. The pub, sat
with friends.
All this is down to grief. I have no doubts and I am
learning to cope with it. But what If I couldn’t. What if I got to the point I
needed help? I know I can talk to people, my amazing wife, kids and friends. But
I also know people who took the same route as Caroline Flack, when it all got
so much that ending it all was the only option to them. Mental Health is a
minefield. Tina suffers and as open as it gets about her demons. She’s been to
the edge too many times. A very good friend of ours went over the edge. And the
biggest cause of his anguish? Opinions of others. The judge and jury of his choices
and lifestyle. You wouldn’t have known how bad it was, because he’s a bloke and
we don’t talk about it. But we should. Because now, we are 1 friend lighter and
his family are 1 husband, 1 father, 1 son, 1 relative lighter too.
And so to yesterday. I have no interest in Love Island, we vaguely
watched the X Factor during the auditions but I knew who Caroline Flack was. I
was aware of her troubled private life but quite frankly I didn’t care, as it’s
none of my business. This makes this all the sadder. Yes, she had committed a
crime. She was due to face her punishment. But the trial by ‘media’ was far
worse than anything the Courts could have thrown at her. ‘Journalists’ quick to criticise every single
detail of her ‘private’ life are now confessing great sadness, yet are in some
small part responsible for the dripping tap of negativity that destroys lives. She
needed help and guidance. Support. And it’s clear that while everyone will say
they did the best for her, the support wasn’t enough.
Social Media is amazing. And it is undeniably evil. Faceless
trolls who hide behind an anonymous avatar, quick to judge, force an opinion
with the sole intent of raising their ‘likes’ and ‘followers’. And on occasion
I have been guilty of professing an opinion that is wrong, hurtful and regrettable.
And I don’t want sympathy, I want to learn from it and be better. To ‘be kind’.
To make informed and reasoned research into something before I offer an
opinion. To praise more. To compliment more. To teach my kids of the joys and
dangers of Social Media.
Ultimately, we only get 1 shot at this life thing. And it’s
too short to spend it worrying about stuff. It’s exhausting. It’s unhealthy. It’s
a massive cliché, but we need to enjoy being ourselves more. Living life to its
very fullest, not worrying about how others choose to live their lives, because
quite frankly its none of anyone’s damn business.
Be kind x
